Laquisha

Sometimes when I’m lying on my bed my mind wanders. And I think of you. And how much I wish you were here with me. I miss you so much. It really hurt when you left me. Even up til now the tears can keep streaming down my face. No man on this earth can take your place. And that’s what hurts the most. Knowing nobody can come close to how safe you made me feel. How loved you made me feel. Knowing no man will love me as unconditional as you did.
Do you see me now ?
Are you proud of all that I accomplished since you have been gone? I always think of you whenever I feel like giving up. I always think of you when I feel all alone. I think of your smile, your laugh, your warm embrace. How you’d pick me up so easily. How you were always there for me. I think about how much I thought I hated you. All the evil things I said to you. I regret those things more than ever. You made mistakes. But thats because you were human.
In the end you always looked at me with your baby blue eyes and would forgive me of all my wrong doings. I could see everything you felt about me. How much you cared and how you wanted nothing but the best for your little girl. How you’d die to protect me and make sure I was safe and had everything I needed and more.
Well I’m here right now daddy. And even after nearly 8 years I’m waiting for you to come back. Waiting for you to walk through those doors and just pretend you’ve been on a long vacation.
I’m still waiting dad…because I miss you.
And I can try to fill the hole in my heart with another guy but that won’t work. I’ve been trying for 8 years to find a guy to fill that void. But I haven’t found him. 8 years of heartbreak and disappointment and damage. When the only guy I really need is you. I don’t need any other guy to make me feel beautiful and wanted and cared about. I don’t need any other guy to support me. I don’t need any other guy to love me. And as much as this sounds like a love letter…it’s true. It’s the type of unconditional love between a father and a daughter. And I miss the feeling of comfort it brought.
I love you dad. Nobody on this earth can understand my hurt. And as lonely as that feels…it’s ok. Because I’m stronger because of it. Someday I will find someone who makes me feel remotely close to how you did and I will think of you, and thank you. For letting me know how a man should treat me and make me feel. For letting me know what I deserve.
I miss you so much dad.

All my life I’ve been a logical thinker. There were times where I considered certain decisions because my emotions but in the end logic always won..

I always thought charity and giving back was a waste of time. Owe it to my pessimistic nature, or call it selfish, but I felt that the human race was full of more bad people than good people. I felt that giving back was a waste because our world is turning to crap and my priority should be myself because it made no sense to get on a sinking ship. 

Now, as I volunteer for things and help raise money for charity. Now, as I’m a contestant of the Miss Guam World pageant, I’m starting to realize just how great it feels to give back. I feel that I am growing as a person, and for the better. I’ve always enjoyed helping people but only if it was reciprocated.  I always had the mentality: “scratch my back twice and I’ll scratch yours once…maybe.” I never had blind faith in people. But as time goes on and as I feel myself getting wiser, more caring, more compassionate, I realize that there is so much good in people. There are reasons to have faith in giving back and helping others. Although our world is really in the crapper right now, there is still some light to salvage. 

Lesson learned these past two months?

Give as much as you can. Forgive as fast as you can. Grow and learn as much as you can. Don’t let any one take your right to be happy. There will be so many things that will come your way and ruin things…and that is because it is so easy to be miserable in this world. You should know that happiness is never a destination! Even though it isn’t easy to achieve, seize any opportunity to smile. Embrace your ups and downs but come back up no matter what. It IS easier to be unhappy, yes, but you shouldn’t chose to be like that! Ultimately it is your choice what you choose to do..but everybody deserves sunshine. Everybody. Even if it isn’t thought by one single person. And in return when you do get to that moment of happiness..be sure to share it. And as corny as this whole thing sounds..Happiness, is SOOOo easy to share. =)

It really hurts to care for someone. It’s painful. It makes you weak. It takes up your time. I’ve let go of my pride so much lately but it hasn’t really seem to get me anywhere. I wish it was easy for me but it isn’t. I overanalyze everything. I guess I’ll hold on to my pride, it’s what keeps me strong. I’ve never felt so weak in my life and I hate it. When you end up missing something it builds up and anger is the first reaction/emotion whenever the opportunity to make up for the longing is taken away. I don’t know how I let this happen, but my guards are up now. And I don’t want to feel weak for a long time. Love is an emotion I will not let conquer me. I got this far because I’m strong. I’ve been broken but have gotten back up knowing that I won’t let it happen again. It just sucks when I want this awesome life and I have it but I don’t have any one to share it with. I’ll get by though. Don’t I always? 

-I enjoy my chocolate just a little bit melted, enough where as soon as it touches your tongue it melts

-I enjoy staying in with my guy playing videogames or watching tv as opposed to fancy restaurants (although I believe it is healthy for all couples to go on dates every now and then)

-I enjoy a good book while underneath a warm blanket in a cold room

-I enjoy those little surprises here and there of random sweetness (whether it be a note that makes me smile, or a text that says I miss you)

-I enjoy those public displays of affection (no not making out) like holding my hand, or giving me a peck on the cheek. It makes me feel like you want to tell the whole world that we belong to each other and I’m the only one you want

-I enjoy those conversations that can go on for hours without stopping

-I enjoy coming home from a long day at work or school, taking a hot shower, and watching my favorite t.v. shows on hulu

-I enjoy any type of good food (because I love food)

-I enjoy the feeling of a great workout and being able to catch my breathe and feel my heart racing

-I enjoy when someone goes out of their way to make time for me even though they had a long day and are tired

-I enjoy going to the beach and feeling the sun on my skin and the sand in between my toes. Then afterwards jumping in to the water and seeing fish swim by my feet

-I enjoy meeting new people and analyzing personality types and trying to figure out why they are the way they are

-I enjoy learning about other cultures and getting rid of any ethnocentric thoughts of any kind

-I enjoy going to school and learning about psychology and the brain

-I enjoy being called mature and being told that I can achieve my goals

-I enjoy staying in and watching movies with my mom

-I enjoy being home early so I can sleep with my chihuahua

-I enjoy waking up to texts from that special someone

And in the future when I do start seriously dating again I hope that the guy I’m with knows me better than any other guy has known me, and that I’ll be able to say that I know him just as well. If the person your with isn’t your best friend then how will you guys grow to know each other more and open up? You only tell your best friend everything right? 

Happy Tuesday<3

I use my blog to express my feelings, interests and anything that is on my mind. It’s my way of venting to someone who will just listen and wont cut me off. But some people don’t realize the whole purpose of a blog. A blog is a way to express things. It’s not a popularity contest. Even though tumblr seems to be turning in to one. It shouldn’t be about what other people want to see. It should be about you saying what you want and connecting to other people who feel the same. This whole tumblr thing is turning in to MySpace and facebook , but instead of friends it’s followers. Nope, I’m not going to become the type of person who uses my blog to impress people and feel “popular”. And those people who don’t want to know how I am feeling shouldn’t read my blog. Im not here for followers I’m here for my sanity and peace of mind.

I think the biggest mistake in any relationship is when there is no longer the urge to make each other feel special. Some may say that is all the honey moon stage (the first few months of talking./dating) but I believe that it doesn’t all have to be in the beginning. Although there is a state of comfort ability as time goes on, which is a great thing, there also comes with that the lack of effort. I don’t think that all the compliments should just be in the beginning, or all the effort should just be in the beginning…because if you don’t give the effort to always be like that, then the romance will fade. Sooner or later it will. And there are those couples who persevere and are able to keep the romance alive.  Those are the ones that are most happy. Once you have to remind each other that you are special, then something is dying. Doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed…it just means that there is a lack of a vital characteristic needed in a healthy relationship. We all love the beginning, it’s all about butterflies, texts, IMs, messages, dates, talking and the feeling of being wanted. But I’ve been in a lot of relationships to know that that NEVER lasts. NEVER. And it’s sad…Why should that be just a phase? Why? Because people say so? Because people become lazy? No. It shouldn’t be like that. I admit, it won’t be as often as time goes on…but there should still be that reassurance and that knowing of the fact that that person believes you’re one-of-a-kind and that them giving that effort shows that they’re one-of-a-kind as well. I don’t know where I went wrong in those relationships, maybe I just got discouraged? But I’m glad to say that I realize romance is a must. And that we are all one-of-a-kind and should definitely show it.  

Is it better to have experienced that of which was doomed to fail regardless of circumstance just because at one moment or another it made you feel alive? Is it wrong to constantly ponder on the thoughts of what has not yet come to life? I have made so many decisions based on what I believe were to most likely to happen and not on what has happened. Is it crazy to live your whole life from a logical perspective? I think it is. But what can I do if it’s all I know? If something is imprinted into our thinking process, how am I to know when it will change, or if it ever will? Do I just find people in my life who understand how I decide things? I think the only way someone would be able to understand is if they thought the same way I do. I guess life, in the end, is all decided due to priorities. Priorities are goals, they drive you, they motivate you. In the end, I’m the only one who decides how I live. I know what I want and that is a career. Whatever gets in the way will be knocked down or pushed to the side. Nothing else matters more to me than becoming a doctor, and I plan on keeping that goal until I achieve it. I guess it’s decided then…

At least I know that I am able to care so deeply again. I thought that that was impossible because of all the jackasses I have dealt with that have betrayed my trust. It’s nice to know that I am able to feel something again. I’m ready to give my all to someone and accept the pain and hurt as much as the happiness and smiles. Now I just need to find that someone.=)

When you say that I expect you to mean it. I expect you to care about me and to cherish me. I expect you to want to be with me all the time and to make me feel like I’m your one and only. I expect you to make me feel special. I expect you to want to make it work no matter what. Is that too much to ask of someone who you claim is your world? If it is don’t say it. It hurts in the end. 

*WARNING a lot of explicit language

I fucking hate it when guys talk to me and claim to like me for a little while, then after that disappear. Then fucking start talking to me months and months later like I owe them something. What the fuck? I don’t owe you shit. I’m not some sort of booty call, regardless of what you may have heard, and what you assume. I am not some easy slut who will do whatever you want when you want it. I’m a bitch with attitude and I have standards. SORRY, I’m not like a lot of the young girls you see. I don’t party, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t hookup with people I don’t know, and I don’t let guys walk all over me. When I say no, I mean it. So you can fuck off because I’m not interested in your sorry asses, and if you can’t take what I’m dishing out then you need to grow a pair because I’m not afraid to be a bitch. Piss me off, and you’ll get the horns. Yeah, sorry to disappoint, my answer is NO and I have no interest in you, so go find some slut to take advantage of. Dumbshits.